Boundaries
Setting boundaries is an important self-defense skill. All property crimes and all violent crimes are boundary violations. But for most people, the most relevant and most important self-care and self-protection skills are setting and respecting sound boundaries in everyday life.
We have physical, mental, and emotional comfort zones and boundaries. So do other people. The more mindful we are of our own healthy boundaries and of those of others, the easier we will move through life.
But let’s start with human predators and with emotion-driven aggressors.
Predatory and emotion-driven aggressors and boundary violations
Predatory criminal attacks often start with intentional, planned boundary testing on multiple levels. Predators plan their attacks. They consider strategies and opportunities; they weigh costs and benefits. They don’t want to get caught.
The predatory aggressor wants to find out if and how you enforce and protect your boundaries, and where you are vulnerable. When testing boundaries, aggressors often employ emotional and mental manipulation and control techniques.
Emotion-based attackers react, rather than proceeding methodically and forward-looking. They are driven by emotions such as anger, disgust, or fear. They can be triggered by situations or events.
With primarily emotion-based attackers, it’s important that you are aware of and able to regulate your own emotions, so that you can use cognitive skills to de-escalate the situation. You may be able to use your social skills, such as calm empathy and assertive boundary setting, to avoid potential violence.
It’s also crucial to remember that boundaries work both ways. We need to respect other people’s sound boundaries to avoid triggering emotion-driven violence..
With a predatory attacker, you need to act decisively, and at times aggressively, to address the immediate danger, to neutralize or deter your attacker, and to escape to safety.
Psychological boundary testing and violations
Predatory criminals generally want easy victims: people whom they can easily control and dominate. Such criminals prefer people who are unsure about their boundaries and who will tolerate violations. Predators may use flattery, type-casting, guilt-tripping, shaming, and other manipulation strategies to test and break down boundaries.
With people they know, predators often start with gradually increasing physical and psychological boundary violations. They test their intended victims, trying to determine how far they can go. They want to find out if their intended victims will assert boundaries and enforce them, or if they’ll go along with gradually increasing encroachments.
For instance, a high school or college basketball coach who wants a sexual relationship with a student on his team may start to talk with the student about non-school-related topics in ways that feel just a little off. He may comment on the student’s appearance. He may verbally test boundaries before moving on to other levels.
He may start to text or email the student. Some of this behavior may be appropriate, such as for example a text, “Practice is cancelled due to rain.” He may mix appropriate and inappropriate comments to make his behavior more confusing. He may try to isolate the student to have time alone with her, or he may gradually increase physical boundary violations, such as inappropriate touching.
For another example, a potential dating partner may first respect boundaries and then gradually begin to exhibit red flags. See below.
The organization Loveisrespect provides a quiz that illustrates behavior on a spectrum from healthy to unhealthy to abusive. Check out the Relationship Spectrum Quiz on the website: loverisrespect.com
https://www.loveisrespect.org/dating-basics/relationship-spectrum/
See also,
https://www.loveisrespect.org/content/what-are-my-boundaries/
Emotional boundaries
Setting healthy boundaries to guard against emotional boundary violations is important self-protection and self-care in every-day life.
It’s just as important that we respect other people’s emotional boundaries.
For both tasks, we must be able to tune into our emotions and those of others.
Triggers
- Triggers are words, phrases, or behaviors that set us off and cause an emotional reaction.
- People have different triggers from different life experiences.
- We may not be able to change how these triggers make us feel, but we can learn to regulate our emotions that the triggers evoke.
- The more in tune we are with our own triggers and the emotions they generate, the better we can address them and assert our boundaries calmly and effectively.
- Likewise, the more attuned we are to other people’s triggers, the better able we are to avoid setting these triggers off, and the better chance we have to de-escalate potentially volatile situations.
Respect for other people’s legitimate boundaries is an essential self-defense skill.
What are my boundaries – self-confidence
- Explore and decide what your boundaries are. What are you willing to tolerate. What will you not put up with?
- Be comfortable with who you are and what your values and your boundaries are.
- If someone is violating your boundaries, know that it is okay to speak up for your needs and wants.
Boundaries with family and friends
- Family and friends generally know us well. So it may be easy for a brother or sister, for example, to trigger a reaction in you. Be aware of what triggers you. Don’t attack back. Don’t let your limbic brain take over. This will only escalate the fight. Instead try to use relaxation breathing. Inhale slowly through your nose, hold your breath briefly, exhale very slowly through your nose or mouth, hold your breath briefly. Then repeat this cycle for 3 or more times. This slow breathing, particularly the slow exhalation, can calm your nervous system, allowing you to use your cognitive functions more effectively.
- Instead of reacting verbally or physically, e.g. yelling or slamming a door, take a mental note of what specific words, phrases, or behaviors upset you. You may then be better able to respond constructively, using your “thinking brain,” your neocortex, rather than reacting, driven by your limbic or emotional brain impulses.
- For example, after calming yourself, you could say, “When you say (the phrase or words that upset you), it makes me feel ….. Could you …. Instead?”
How do you know a boundary has been violated?
Sometimes, it’s easy to know that a boundary has been violated. But in other situations, a violation may not be so obvious. This is where tuning into your emotions and your bodily sensations is helpful again.
Try to notice what emotions and physical sensations you feel when you are around someone. How does their behavior make you feel?
Physical distance and physical boundary violations are only one aspect of boundary violations. Mental and emotional boundary violations are often more complex and more difficult to identify and deal with.
Especially now, with physical distancing, much of our interaction with others is digital. Digital privacy violations can violate emotional and mental boundaries. It’s especially important to communicate clearly and directly what’s okay with you and what is not okay.
Many boundary considerations apply to in-person as well as digital interaction.
Ask yourself:
Does this person respect my mental and emotional boundaries?
1. Do I feel totally comfortable when I am with this person or around this person?
2. Is my honest answer, “I feel generally ok, but …”?
3. Can I be myself around this person? Or do I have to adjust my behavior in ways that don’t feel healthy or comfortable?
4. Do I feel like I have to be on guard when I’m around this person?
5. Do I feel good without any qualifications?
6. Do I feel like I have to keep anything secret?
7. Would I be able to talk about everything this person does with my best friend, my parents, or the person in my life whom I trust the most?
8. Is there a power imbalance between me and this person, for example, teacher/student, coach/student; employer/employee; older person/child; etc.?
Red Flags: Do I have any of these feelings when I’m around this person?
1. Unsafe?
2. Scared?
3. Uneasy?
4. Hurt?
5. Embarrassed?
6. Humiliated?
7. Trapped?
8. No choice?
9. Taken advantage of?
10. Deceived?
11. Manipulated?
12. Controlled?
13. Dominated?
14. Afraid of what my parents, or others whom I trust and respect, might think?
Boundaries with strangers, gut reactions:
If a stranger starts a conversation with you that makes you feel uncomfortable and fearful for your safety for any reason, there is no reason to stay in it.
Many people feel obligated to stay in a conversation, or to respond to questions, because they don’t want to be considered unkind or rude.
At times, we care too much about what others think of us and we ignore our gut reactions. We live in communities, not alone. We are tribal beings. We depend on our tribes, our communities, for safety and comfort. It’s understandable, and often wise, to care about what others think of our behavior. Being kind and helpful to others makes for a more humane world.
But when our gut reaction is one of unease and of fear for our safety, whether in interactions with strangers or people we know, it’s wise to listen to such emotions and sensations, to enforce our boundaries, or to seek help.
Resources
The Montana Coalition Against Domestic and Sexual Violence lists all of their member organisations statewide as well as other anti-violence and community-support centers. Many of these organisations have advocates who are available to talk by phone or to chat 24/7.
Boundaries with a potential threat – safety first
When we deal with a potential threat, it’s important that we stay in control of our emotions as much as we can so we can focus on the danger and use an effective response.
We may want to use our social skills to avoid or de-escalate an emotion-driven threat.
When confronted with a threat of asocial, predatory violence, we need to react decisively to address the immediate danger and to evade, escape, or neutralize the attack.
The more you determine your boundaries beforehand, the more comfortable you are with your boundaries and the more firm you are in making your safety a priority, the easier it will be for you to respond to uncertain situations.
When your gut reaction is one of fear for your safety, put your safety first.
Physical boundaries – Proxemics
Proxemics relate to the study of personal space, how we relate to others through personal space. Right now, we are in a pandemic, which has dramatically changed comfort zones for most of us. Your comfort zone now is probably different from your comfort zone in more normal times.
Physical distances – common comfort zones, not necessarily safe zones:
Personal space
Close family and friends: close or even touching
Social space
More distant relatives and friends, acquaintances, co-workers: about one arm’s length apart or about 3 feet
Safety distance
Strangers, potential threats: at least 2 arms’ length apart, about 3-4 feet
For self-defense, greater distance is better because physical distance increases your reaction-time.
Remember, for self-defense, respecting other people’s reasonable boundaries is important to avoid reactive violence.
Proxemics Exercises:
A common proxemics exercise -- for times without pandemics -- allows trainees to determine what distances they feel comfortable with when they are approached by family/close friends, acquaintances, or strangers. One way to explore these issues is to line people up in two rows facing each other. In the first iteration of the exercise, people are lined up with family members or close friends. The people in one row, the As, then approach their partners in the other row, the “Bs.” The Bs are asked to tell the As to stop when they are too close for the Bs’s comfort. The trainees then repeat the exercise, being paired with an acquaintance in the second round, and with a stranger in the third round. In each round, the trainee needs to tune fully into their emotions and sensations. The purpose of the exercise is to tune into your comfort zones, the physical sensations and feelings that each zone generates, and to become fully aware of them.
While people have different comfort zones, the most common comfort zones are about 3 – 4 feet for complete strangers, about 3 feet for acquaintances, and closer for intimate friends.
General comfort zones differ not only for individuals, but generally also from culture to culture. In addition, your personal comfort zones may temporarily change based on your environment and circumstances, such as the current pandemic.
In a place where there is lots of room, you may need a larger bubble of space to feel comfortable than in a confined, crowded space.
What you should try to tune into is what you are comfortable with, and when you start to feel uneasy. This may depend on a variety of factors.
Your comfort zone while you are going for a walk on a rural dirt road may be different from your comfort zone on a busy downtown sidewalk or in a crowded stadium where you are watching a football game.
A woman may brush your shoulder as she rushes by you on a platform in a subway station, muttering an apology, while moving towards the train that you just exited and that is about to leave. She is obviously trying to catch the train. Your alarms may not be triggered, because her behavior is a natural pattern in a busy train station.
On the other hand, you may be out for a run on a trail in a rural area when a man, dressed in overalls and wearing heavy boots, gets out of a truck parked on the road next to the trail, and walks quickly towards the trail about 100 feet in front of you. Your amygdala sends off alarm signals because this is an unnatural proxemics pattern. He’s obviously not out for a walk or a run on the trail. He doesn’t have a dog that he might take for a walk, and he’s about to cross your path and block your way.
Being too close can be a red flag, but it’s generally more complicated based on our environment and circumstances. A person who is only a foot away in a crowded train station may be harmless and send out no red flags while a person who is much farther away but engaging in an unnatural pattern of behavior may be posing a potentially serious risk. Unnatural movement patterns are a red flag in terms of proxemics.
Another red flag in terms of proxemics are unnatural ways of touching others. For example, most people are very uncomfortable with being touched on the head. Many people are uncomfortable being touched at all by people they don’t know well. Non-strangers, people the potential target knows, often test physical boundaries by touching their targets, at first in seemingly innocuous ways, and gradually increasing the frequency and the intimate nature of the touch.
Besides being aware of unnatural patters, it’s a good idea to be in the general habit of keeping a safe distance from strangers and known people whom you feel uncomfortable with. Distance means you have some reaction time if a person starts to threaten you physically. If you are too close, you have no reaction time and you can be ambushed.
Matching voice, body language and facial expression
Verbal boundaries
The way we communicate can quickly change a situation.
· Use clear, simple, and direct language.
· Match your facial expression, body posture, and voice with the content of your verbal message.
· Avoid apologizing when you have nothing to apologize for.
· Don’t be rude.
· Don’t use curse words. You do not want to escalate the situation.
· Become comfortable with saying, “No.” It’s a powerful and clear word, and you have a right to use it.
· If you are uncomfortable with something someone wants you to do, assert your boundary clearly. If you don’t want to do something, saying that is enough. You don’t need to explain or apologize. Don’t argue and don’t debate.
Voice
Tone of voice
· A clear, strong tone reflects your confidence.
· Use a serious, neither aggressive nor passive, tone.
Inflection of voice
· Inflection is the rise and fall of your voice.
· When your tone of voice rises upward, you signal uncertainty and weakness. With a rising inflection, a statement turns into a question or a plea.
· When your tone of voice stays even through the end of the sentence, this inflection can signal that the conversation is ongoing.
· An even inflection that goes down at the end of the sentence denotes finality and confidence in what you are saying. The British use the term “full stop” for a period. Think of your command as putting a “full stop” to the boundary violation you want to avoid or end.
· “Leave me alone.” With a downward inflection, this sentence is a command, not a plea or a question.
Pitch of voice
· Use your natural pitch. A natural pitch that’s neither too high, nor too low, is best.
· Don’t be overly concerned with pitch.
Volume of voice
· Volume is the loudness, the level, of your voice.
· With primarily emotion-driven aggressors, don’t be too loud. This could escalate the potential violence.
· Don’t be too quiet, either. Speak loud enough so people know you are serious.
· With a predatory attacker, you may want to yell to distract them, to call attention to the situation, and to alert potential witnesses.
Posture
· Upright
· Shoulders back and rolled down,
· Neck straight, looking forward, not down
· Fluent stride
Facial expression
· Neutral, neither angry nor fearful.
· Avoid nervous smiling.
· Avoid shifting or downcast eyes.
How do we set boundaries?
Before we can enforce our boundaries, we need to decide on what they are and then set them. Here are 5 skills for setting and enforcing your boundaries:
1. Trust your gut feelings, your intuition.
2. Name your boundaries and the behaviors that you instinctively feel violate your boundary. You can do that in your mind or in your journal. Articulating boundaries and behaviors helps to clarify your boundaries and what behaviors violate your boundaries.
3. Tell the person what you want him/her to do.
4. If they don’t respect your boundary, repeat your demand. Do not debate or argue. If your boundary is a healthy one, you owe no excuse and no explanation.
5. End the boundary violation. (Leave or end the situation if you can. Seek help as necessary.)
Personality Types
What personality type are you?
Passive
More likely to go along with something that makes you feel uncomfortable, for example to fit into a group, to avoid an argument, or to please someone.
Even though you may generally be a more passive personality type, you can still stand up for yourself and set and enforce your boundaries. You may want to think about your boundaries, and how to set and enforce them ahead of time, when you know you will be with people that you think might violate your boundaries.
Aggressive
Do you generally come off as belligerent or easily angered?
Being aggressive with someone whom you don’t know could be dangerous. You are civilized. You have empathy. You act humanely. Often people assume that everyone plays essentially by the same rules of civilized society. But not everyone does. There are people who have no empathy, no morals, no regard for generally accepted social behavior. They do not think as a you do. Closed circuit TV has captured instances where people were killed or badly injured because they aggressively confronted an asocial person. One instance that sticks in my mind is that of a woman in a Rome train station a few years ago. A man made a vulgar comment to the woman. She went up to him, stuck her finger in his face, and told him off. The man punched the woman in the face. She fell down onto the floor. He grabbed her and smashed her head into the concrete. She died.
Where you have a chance of putting an end to a stranger’s boundary violation by leaving, moving to a safe distance might be the safest and wisest enforcement of your boundary.
Aggressiveness can trigger emotion-driven people and can escalate violence. If you feel you have a choice to avoid a situation, checking your ego and leaving may be a much smarter and safer response.
Assertive
Assertive people strive to be both polite and firm.
It’s not always easy to be polite and firm, especially when we are triggered.
It’s also not always easy to be firm. It may be hard to be assertive when boundary violations are gradual. It may be hard to be assertive with people whom we want to please or deepen a relationship with. It may be hard to be assertive with people whom we perceive as being in a superior position or having control over us.
You may want to think about your boundaries with problematic people ahead of time. You may want to practice setting boundaries with these people. You may want to ask for help from trusted people.
Flexibility
Remain flexible. Adjust your response to the situation you are in. There is no one-size-fits-all response.
At times, a passive response, leaving the situation may be your safest and wisest self-defense option.
Know what triggers you and how you can reign in your impulsive reactions. Try relaxation-breathing when you feel triggered, and when you have time to calm down before reacting. Breathe in slowly through your nose, hold your breath, breathe out slowly, hold. Repeat this cycle a few times. Slow breathing can calm down your neural system, so that you can use your cognitive brain and react more thoughtfully.
Trust your gut reactions when your senses and emotions signal a serious threat.
When you sense immediate danger and no safe option except to fight back, then it is time to become aggressive and to fight back with 100% commitment.
Predators – How they hunt – how they violate boundaries – what tactics they use:
The book The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker is a classic in the self-defense world. In the first chapter, De Becker relates the story of a client who escaped a rapist. He uses the story to illustrate seven red flags that point to techniques that predatory criminals use.
I recommend reading the book. Here is a summation of the story:
Kelly had gone grocery shopping. She arrives at her apartment building. Her apartment is on the third floor. She notices that the front door to the building is unlocked. She thinks that one of the residents must have left the door unlocked. Today, this is actually convenient for her because she has two big bags of groceries. She locks the front door behind her and starts walking up the stairs.
All of a sudden one of the grocery bags rips; cans of cat food roll down the stairs.
That’s when she hears a voice, “Don’t worry. I got them.” She feels uncomfortable for a moment. A guy whom she has never seen before is picking up the cans of cat food and then he takes the ripped bag from her and says, “Let me help you. Looks like we’ve got some hungry cats up there.”
Kelly says, “No thank you. Thanks for picking up my cans. But I don’t need any help. I can get it.” The guy says,” It sure looks like you need help. Cats are funny. I was cat-sitting for a friend and forgot to feed them for about 4 days, but they were ok. They can go a long time without food. But we don’t want yours to get hungry.”
Kelly again says, “I really don’t need any help but thanks for picking up the cans for me.” The guy says, “ Well, there is such a thing as too much pride, you know. I got it. Don’t’ worry. I don’t want you to have this bag rip more on you. These cans are heavy. We have some hungry cats waiting, right?”
Kelly feels a little embarrassed. The guy has helped her, picking up the cans that were rolling down the stairs. She doesn’t want to offend him. So she says, “Okay.”
When they arrive at her apartment, she says, “I can take it from here. “ And she reaches for her bag. The guy replies, ”Oh no. I’ll just set this heavy bag down for you and then I’ll be gone. I promise.”
She opens the door and lets him in.
He assaults and rapes her.
She manages to escape and survives.
From, The Gift of Fear, Gavin de Becker
Seven predator techniques:
1. Charm
Think of charm as a verb. Is this person charming you to get you to do something that you don’t really want to do?
2. Not taking “no” for an answer
Predators often ignore your “no.” Well-intentioned people also sometimes ignore your “no.” But predators will persist.
3. Type-casting
Predators will label you either with a negative or positive label. The purpose is to make you do something that you don’t really want to do, but to make you think if you don’t do it, you fit the negative label, or you don’t fit the positive label.
4. Too many details/distractions
What is he trying to distract you from?
5. “We-teaming”
For example, you and I are in this together, everyone else is against us.
6. Unsolicited promise
Beware of unsolicited promises. The predator feels the need to promise something. Why does he feel that need?
7. Loan sharking
The predator often does something or gives you something that you didn’t need or want. He may have ignored your, “No.” For example, he may insinuate that he paid for your lunch or dinner or movie ticket, and that you now owe him. He creates a perceived obligation; he is loan sharking.
Can you spot the seven red flags in the story?
Journaling is a good mental and emotional component of holistic self-defense and personal safety training. I love physical training, but being mentally and emotionally prepared to avoid violence, and, if that fails, for facing violence is a crucial, integral part of complete training.
Journal prompts:
1. When - in what kind of situations or with what kind of people -- is it hard for me to set boundaries? What are some strategies I could use to determine, set, and enforce boundaries in these areas? What do I need help with?
2. How do I use my emotions (joy, excitement, curiosity, fear, nervousness, anger, frustration, irritation, disgust, etc.) to help me in establishing, setting, or enforcing my boundaries?
Boundaries in the fortress of Heinz vom Stein, an infamous knight who kidnapped and terrorized men and women in his county in Bavaria, Germany, until he was finally bright to justice.